if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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