My underwear smells like fireworks.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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