I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
