my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
