can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Who died my cat blue again?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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