i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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