One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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