If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
