The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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