I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
only if we run a train.
done.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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