you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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