Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
