He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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