Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
