Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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