The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize