Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
