Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
