hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
