Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
