when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize