I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
