my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
