did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
