Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
