I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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