just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
