AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
