She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
