All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
