It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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