Ambien. No doubt about it.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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