Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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