If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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