Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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