and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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