Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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