you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
