I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
