I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
