I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
