i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
