Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
