i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
