You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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