Swine flu. Run for my life!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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