How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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