I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
