sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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