i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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