how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
