Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize