So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
