i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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