I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
