i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
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