Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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