Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i drank out of a bidet.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
