i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
